Gluten-Free Flatbread to the rescue!

My relationship with bread?...Let's just say it's complicated.


I like bread.
I want bread.
On occasion, I need bread.


The relationship is not reciprocal.


Bread could care less about me.
Bread might even hate me.
Bread lures me into its snares with its promises of toasty, chewy, whole-grain goodness.
It entices me with options: "Toast and butter me!" it cries. "Put your favorite foods between 2 pieces of me and take me somewhere!"  On occasion, it even whispers:"Hey, baby. Don't you want to dip me in some eggy batter and fry me?" 98.9% of the time I just ignore bread's unwanted advances and put on a pot of rice instead.


But man, is that other 1.1% a doozy. Then, bread gets in my belly and transforms itself into a gaseous, headache-making mass of evil.


So the other day, as the weak but warmish April sun slanted across a bowl of ripening avocados in my dining room, and bread demanded "Slather me with mashed avocado!" and I felt myself about to buckle, I decided to try making some gluten-free flatbread. That way, I could have the toasty, chewy, whole-grainy experience I longed for without all that pesky waiting around for yeast to rise. I really liked the garlic/dill/onion powder combo, but feel free to add or substitute any herbs you like.

GF Flatbread or Crackers

Ingredients

1.5 C cooked brown rice

1 C cooked quinoa

2-4 T ground flax

1 tsp tahini

½ T water

1 clove garlic, minced

½ tsp dill

½ tsp onion

2 T whole flax

1 T sesame seeds

salt, to taste

To Make Flatbread:

Blend rice, quinoa, ground flax, tahini, water, garlic and herbs in a food processor. Stir in sesame and flax seeds, and add salt to taste. Turn mixture out onto a greased or parchment-lined baking sheet. Flatten the mixture to about 1/8 inch using wet hands (or a rolling pin…or both). Use a pizza cutter to cut the dough into 3x3 squares and bake in a preheated 300F oven for 35 mins. Let cool 15 mins then use a spatula to carefully remove your ‘bread’ slices from the pan. Wrap tightly and store in the fridge.

To Make Crackers:

Same instructions as above, except you can cut the dough into whatever shapes/sizes you want. Bake 45-50 minutes, until the crackers are golden-brown, being careful not to burn. Let cool 15 mins before carefully breaking them apart. Store in an airtight container (in the fridge if it’ll take you more than 2-3 days to eat them…which I highly doubt. 

...Sadly, the sun went in just before the bread was done. Happily, that didn't affect its deliciousness -- or my ability to slather it with smashed avocado mixed with diced tomato, salt, and pepper -- one bit.

You may have noticed there are no pictures of the crackers here. That's because they all went straight from the baking sheet to my mouth (ok, a couple of them may have stopped briefly in a container of hummus--but that's beside the point).

Beefcake!!!

The other day a Naturopath told me to eat less vegetables. "They're not a good use of your limited funds," he said. "You need to gain weight, and kale doesn't have any calories. I want you to start eating fats instead -- nuts, oils, avocados...you could probably stand 3 or so eggs a day..."
I stared at him in disbelief. "Did you really just tell me to stop eating vegetables?"
"Yup."

As I rode my bike ride home I tried to imagine my post-produce life: meals de-greened and carrot-less; non-apple snacks; breakfast sans citrus. I suppressed a shudder and tried to psych myself up instead: Peanut-sauce-slathered everything, here I come! Yeah, almond butter banana hemp milk smoothies! And yes I will fry my extra dosa in extra coconut oil and eat it with some coconut curry!

But, as always, there is a vast gulf separating theory from practice. And the next day, barely 8 hours of fully fatted and de-fruited existence later, I strongly empathized with the force-fed ducks that become foie gras. By 7pm I had eaten approximately 4 handfuls of almonds, a protein bar, a protein shake, extra dosa fried in extra coconut oil with coconut curry and chickpea curry, and a stir fry with fried eggs over fried rice. I wanted to explode. But it was only 7:30. Surely I was supposed to eat some more (at least according to my housemates, who sadistically egged me on with shouts of "Do it!" and "Beefcake!!") Despite the fact that I had no desire to eat anything ever again, let alone right then, I marched intrepidly back into the kitchen determined to concoct a tasty treat that might invigorate my exhausted appetite. And what better snack for an overstuffed little health-nut like myself than the deceptively named "Brownie Bite." I tried not to cry while I made them. And I tried not to cry while they baked. And when  they were finally cool enough to eat I sat down with my cup of tea, told myself I was ready for more, and dig in. I was still full. Really full. But they were good. And I think that bodes well for someday when I'm not about to explode (i.e. when I'm allowed to start eating veg again).


Brownie "Bites" (Adapted from Two Bite Double Down Dark Chocolate Brownies)

Ingredients:
1 C rolled oats
1 C flour (GF to make them GF)
1/3 C cocoa powder
1/4 tsp each baking soda and baking powder
1/2 tsp sea salt
1/3 C non-dairy milk
1/2 C agave or rice syrup
2 Tbsp maple syrup
1 egg or egg sub
1/3 C melted coconut oil (can sub walnut or mild olive oil)
1 tsp vanilla or almond extract
1/4 C each shredded coconut and dark choco chips

Directions
Mix dry ingredients (oats through salt) together in a large bowl.
Whisk wet ingredients together in a medium bowl.
Add wet bowl to dry bowl and mix well.
Fold in coconut and choco chips.
Drop by Tbsp onto lightly greased or non-stick or parchment-lined baking sheet.
Bake 12 min. in a preheated 350F oven and cool on wire racks.

Makes 20-ish.

Rainy Days are Gravy Days.

I woke up the other morning with an inexplicable craving for gravy. I rolled over and lifted the curtain by my bed to take a peek outside. The sky hung heavy, cold and dull grey, wet but not raining. The air seemed oddly still.
Ugh, I thought to myself, Good day to roll back over and hit the snooze button.
My belly rumbled in disagreement.
Alright then, I thought. If not bed then gravy. A big ol' bowl of hot, starchy, salty goodness to warm my belly and my brain, letting me pretend that I'm rugged and rustic and resourceful, and not just some skinny little wimp freezing my ass off in 3 layers of clothing when it's 40F outside.  I'll spend an hour conjuring my inner upper-midwesterner, some stout, resourceful, sensibly-dressed, no-nonsense, middle-aged woman named Peggy. And I will conjure her with gravy. But I will be the health-foodie-gastro-hippie that I am in real life and make it vegan and gluten-free. And I will eat it with rice. And a big ol' mess-o-greens. And that is how I will fill the rainy-days-are-for-comfort-foods hole in my belly with only rice, beans, and greens.
And so I rolled back over, out of bed, into slippers a scarf and a second sweatshirt, then shuffled into the kitchen and made...

Easy Vegan (and GF!) Gravy 

For the record, I have never actually measured any of the following ingredients. These are totally unscientific guesstimates, based purely on...well...nothing, I guess.  Think of it as improv theater, only in your mouth. (Ew. Actually, don't think of it as that. Think of it as anything but that.)
Anyway. What you wanna do is...

1. Marinate about 3 oz. tempeh in a 1/2 C of water and 2 tsp Bragg's for a little bit (see helpful hint below!) then put it all in a small saucepan over medium heat and bring to a boil.
2. Meanwhile, sautee some chopped onion in a little Earth Balance.
3. Add about 1T rice flour to the Braggs-n-tempeh water, stirring well to combine.
4. When the onions are nice and soft and translucent, toss 'em in the gravy pot with a bit of thyme and some fresh ground black pepper.
5. Keep on stirring the mixture over med-low heat, adjusting water/flour until it is the thickness and tastiness you desire. (Be patient whenever you add flour--it takes a minute to thicken).
6. Pour your tasty vegan (GF!) gravy all over some warm brown rice and cooked greens (or a baked potato and broccoli) and dig in...yum! 
7. Helpful hint below: Marinate the tempeh in the Braggs-y water while you prep your rice and greens and give yourself a pat on the back for having such great time-management skills.

Makes 1 bowl worth of gravy-liciousness:

Go ahead and give it a try.

Do it! (You know you want to.)