Beefcake!!!

The other day a Naturopath told me to eat less vegetables. "They're not a good use of your limited funds," he said. "You need to gain weight, and kale doesn't have any calories. I want you to start eating fats instead -- nuts, oils, avocados...you could probably stand 3 or so eggs a day..."
I stared at him in disbelief. "Did you really just tell me to stop eating vegetables?"
"Yup."

As I rode my bike ride home I tried to imagine my post-produce life: meals de-greened and carrot-less; non-apple snacks; breakfast sans citrus. I suppressed a shudder and tried to psych myself up instead: Peanut-sauce-slathered everything, here I come! Yeah, almond butter banana hemp milk smoothies! And yes I will fry my extra dosa in extra coconut oil and eat it with some coconut curry!

But, as always, there is a vast gulf separating theory from practice. And the next day, barely 8 hours of fully fatted and de-fruited existence later, I strongly empathized with the force-fed ducks that become foie gras. By 7pm I had eaten approximately 4 handfuls of almonds, a protein bar, a protein shake, extra dosa fried in extra coconut oil with coconut curry and chickpea curry, and a stir fry with fried eggs over fried rice. I wanted to explode. But it was only 7:30. Surely I was supposed to eat some more (at least according to my housemates, who sadistically egged me on with shouts of "Do it!" and "Beefcake!!") Despite the fact that I had no desire to eat anything ever again, let alone right then, I marched intrepidly back into the kitchen determined to concoct a tasty treat that might invigorate my exhausted appetite. And what better snack for an overstuffed little health-nut like myself than the deceptively named "Brownie Bite." I tried not to cry while I made them. And I tried not to cry while they baked. And when  they were finally cool enough to eat I sat down with my cup of tea, told myself I was ready for more, and dig in. I was still full. Really full. But they were good. And I think that bodes well for someday when I'm not about to explode (i.e. when I'm allowed to start eating veg again).


Brownie "Bites" (Adapted from Two Bite Double Down Dark Chocolate Brownies)

Ingredients:
1 C rolled oats
1 C flour (GF to make them GF)
1/3 C cocoa powder
1/4 tsp each baking soda and baking powder
1/2 tsp sea salt
1/3 C non-dairy milk
1/2 C agave or rice syrup
2 Tbsp maple syrup
1 egg or egg sub
1/3 C melted coconut oil (can sub walnut or mild olive oil)
1 tsp vanilla or almond extract
1/4 C each shredded coconut and dark choco chips

Directions
Mix dry ingredients (oats through salt) together in a large bowl.
Whisk wet ingredients together in a medium bowl.
Add wet bowl to dry bowl and mix well.
Fold in coconut and choco chips.
Drop by Tbsp onto lightly greased or non-stick or parchment-lined baking sheet.
Bake 12 min. in a preheated 350F oven and cool on wire racks.

Makes 20-ish.

Biscuits: The #1 reason not to bake gluten-free foods if you are not a gluten-free person.

So a few weeks ago a friend of mine rode out to the Bob's Red Mill Store. While he was shopping, he came across a big ol' super cheap bag of GF All-Purpose Baking Mix.

"Hey!" friend thought, "I bet Ashley wants some of that. Cuz, y'know, she doesn't eat gluten. And she's real broke. I'll pick some up for her." Now, I'm not a gluten-free person. Wheat-free, yes. But other non-wheat glutenous grains? Bring 'em on. So later that night, when dear friend appeared on my doorstep smiling from ear to ear and exclaimed triumphantly, "I got you some GF baking mix out at Bob's Red Mill today! Now you can have baked things!" I feigned excitement lest I crush his spirits. "Sweet!" I replied, "I can't wait to bake stuff!" After a little while he left, and the GF baking mix got tossed in the kitchen cupboard full of ingredients no one ever uses. Out of sight, out of mind...right?

Wrong. Friend kept on asking me if I had made anything yet, hoping to get some sweet GF treat in return for his thoughtfulness. And every time I made up and excuse or brushed him off, I felt like a jerk. A guilty dishonest jerk. And every time I opened up the kitchen cabinet, there was this enormous bag of GF flour looming up out of the darkness, with its little wholesome, happy, Farmer Bob logo silently mocking me.  Clearly I was going to have to bake something.

Luckily, Housemates and I had a dinner/meeting scheduled. And since it was one of those gross, grey, late-February days with nothing to recommend it except (possibly) comfort food, I decided to make biscuits and gravy.  To eliminate the chances of substitution errors I even followed a recipe that specifically called for Bob's GF Baking Mix, assuming it would be engineered specifically to yield tender, tasty, reasonable facsimiles of "normal" biscuits. Apparently I assumed wrong, because while the biscuits tasted fine, they were flat, on the dry side, and kind of tough.

At first I was bummed out. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Was it the recipe? Should I try a different one? But then I came to a realization: I'm not a gluten-free person, and I don't need to eat gluten-free biscuits.  Don't get me wrong -- maybe, just maybe, there is such a thing as really good gluten-free biscuits. But I think I'm going to just stick with gluten-y biscuits instead.